Ineffective Business Letter

Here is a letter I found on the internet that is ineffective and unprofessional.

To: Jane Doe

Date:

We have finally reviewed your application for graduate study at Colorado State University. Due to the large number of applicants this year, competition was very tough, but luckily, we have recommended you for acceptance.

Also, to keep our students happy, we were fortunate enough to be able to offer a teaching assistantship, whereby you would work 20 hours a week. This assistantship also comes with a non-resident tuition waiver for the first year. If you don’t do well, though, we cannot give you another assistantship.

It occurred to us that you probably don’t have enough information to make a sound decision. The enclosed flyer provides a detailed description of our Cognitive Psychology Program, including the program of study, degree requirements, mentor ship program, faculty research interests, and laboratory facilities.

Since other qualified students are on a waiting list for admissions, please notify me in writing of your decision to accept or reject admission as soon as possible.

When I first started reading this letter the wording in it made it sound like she was not going to be accepted. The statement “luckily we have recommended you for acceptance” sounds like she just barely got accepted and should be grateful to be accepted.

On the second paragraph they tell her that they are fortunate enough to be able to offer her a teaching assistantship for 20 hours a week. They also tell her that they will not be able to give her another assistantship if she does not do well. They leave out the detail as to what she will be paid for the assistanship.

They also tell her that they realize they did not give her enough information to make a sound decision so they will enclose a flyer so she can see what it is about. They ask her to notify them in writing of her decision on accepting or rejecting the admission as soon as possible.

They should have started the letter off by telling her congratulations on getting accepted and that they could not wait until she joined the University. Then they should have offered her the assistantship with all the details she needed to make a good decision which includes the amount of money she would be making. They did not need to tell her that she had to do a good job or they would not consider her for the next year. Instead they should have waited for her decision on if she wanted to do it or not and then tell her that she had the option of doing it next year if she did well this year.

I am not sure why they would ask her to make a decision when they know that she doesn’t have all the information that she needs. They should have said please contact us for any other information and then give her a date on when they need an answer so that way other students are not waiting to see if they get it or not.

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One thought on “Ineffective Business Letter

  1. Hello, my name is Emily Ryle and I am a trainer at Valeo Engine Cooling in Greensburg, Indiana. In a recent study we noticed that we are not recruiting as much experienced or educated engineers as we need in our facility to keep our customers happy and bring them new technology. We are offering free training sessions along with a test that could get you a fulltime job after you have your degree. All the engineering students can not only get free training but they can also have the potential of graduating with a full time job and not waiting to get a paycheck. If you go through the training and you realize that you would rather not take the test you can have the option to not take it but still have a certification for the training that you took and Valeo will pay for it. This training can go on your resume as well. Our organization wants to help you find the right job and make you a successful in your career. We hope you will consider this free opportunity that we are presenting to you.

    My pitch tells them who I am and how I am linked to the organization. It also tells them what I am looking to do with the organization and the testing. We want to have a better educated, experienced workforce of engineers so we can make our customers happy.

    The idea is to get the training to see if you can pass the test and then have a job. The engineer wins and so does the organization. The engineer can still get a certificate even if they don’t want to work there. The cost is free they just have to put their time and effort in it to make sure they go along with the training so that they can get the certificate for the training.

    Like

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